The last couple of weeks I’ve done everything but write. As the time winds quickly down on my leave from work, I’ve been frenzied with organizing and prepping for me to re-enter the work-a-day world, as well as prepping for what it will mean for Kallie.

What has my leave meant for me? Remember how summer’s as a child between grades were long, rolling, and agenda-less? And how it seemed to clean the slate from the prior year? And by the end of summer you looked forward to returning to the rituals of school? That’s what it feels like as my first day back lies only hours away.

[Kallie’s reaction when I told her I was going back to work.]

Reflecting back on my time off brings to mind many things: the quiet, reverential marking of Ken’s passing with friends; lazy mornings, stretching in bed and for the life of me not being able to figure out what day it was; cool nights, sitting in my firefly-filled front yard with a little 10 lb. pup, watching her and feeling something long inanimate start to stir and move and explore its range of motion again.

Though I didn’t explore Chicago as I’d planned to because of parental responsibilities (and separation anxiety–purely on my part), I did other kinds of exploring; reflecting on my life–the past and future–and most importantly, the present. Having this kind of time to consider such weighty topics was truly a gift. Mix that with plenty of free time, my Mac and a puppy, and you have a recipe for something remarkable and truly once-in-a-lifetime. (I’d never want reason to need this kind of time again.)

[My work laptop has rested on the highest shelf in the guest room since May 31.]

Part of me knew I would have no idea what my leave would mean or produce. But turns out, it wasn’t really about writing (though it played a large part), it was about being, and learning to get comfortable in a new life that doesn’t feel nearly as new, itchy and ill-fitting as it once did. But it will take quite some time before it will ever feel “normal”–if ever.

I’ll always look back on my time off with great affection and nostalgia. What stands out the most of these past 95 days is something I relish the most. It’s the same thing that connects me to Ken and brings him and Quantum to my thoughts and my heart many times per day. Like Quantum for Ken, Kallie chooses me. Quatum’s kisses were reserved strictly for Ken–and given freely. Now, I’m the recipient of such gifts.

[Ken and Q in 2002.]

[Kallie and me.]

So, the beginning of the reboot is complete, though as with old timey PC’s, it takes a while for all the peripherals to come online and for the complete system to be ready. And I return to work, and a schedule, and a paycheck with a healthy amount of excitement and anticipation. And each day, take one step further into my future.